


Tearing Me Apart

by marchtwentyfour



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Falling In Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-10-08 10:43:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10384887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marchtwentyfour/pseuds/marchtwentyfour
Summary: A story of Im Jaebum and Park Jinyoung told from the end to the start. A love story, maybe.





	1. Prologue: The Start of an End

**Author's Note:**

> because this is on going, the updates will most definitely be slower than how i used to update my long fics. i'm posting the prologue to scope out the reaction and see if i should continue this
> 
> special thanks to @kaeypop

**_324_ **

It was just three numbers on a brown door, silver in color but faded around the edges. They were just sitting there, quiet and unmoving yet mocking and annoying. It was a number that he knew quite well, an apartment he had heard of but had never set foot in. Before today, that is.

Slowly raising his hand, Jaebum lightly presses the buzzer located at the right side. He doesn’t hear the sound it makes, but he knew it does because in a second there were footsteps coming towards the door.

Jaebum doesn’t get to prepare himself, doesn’t get to mentally prep himself more before the door swings open and his breathe catches in his throat. The figure in front of him looks a little confused, but smiles nonetheless.

“Hi,” Jaebum managed to croak out, his breathe still coming out in raggedly. He wasn’t so sure what it entailed.

“Hi hyung.” Jinyoung cocks his head to the side as he opened the door wider, “Come in.”

The room is impeccable, exactly how Jaebum would imagine Jinyoung’s apartment would look like. The curtain matched the color of the couch while the furnitures were aligned with each other to give off the perfect space. Nothing looked out of place, only the cup of coffee on the desk by the corner was the only indication that the place was lived in.

“Want a cup, hyung?” Jinyoung asked, but he was already taking out a mug and pouring from the brewed cup he has.

“Thank you.” Jaebum takes a seat on the couch and looks around. Before he knows it, a steaming cup of coffee is placed in front of him. He smiles as he takes a sip. Jinyoung remembers.

“Still good?” Jinyoung asked, obviously waiting to be praised. It’s not like he doesn’t know that he makes the best cup of coffee that Jaebum had ever tasted. “Oh come on, reassure me.”

Jaebum couldn’t help the laugh that bubbles in his throat, hiding it with the mug and took a sip. The hot liquid burns a little in his throat, but the taste was bursting with flavour. Yes, true, Jinyoung still does make the best cup of coffee there is.

“So mean, hyung.” Jinyoung complains but takes a seat on the other end of the couch,  _ his  _ side.

Jaebum takes another sip before he takes pity, “It’s the best, Jinyoung. Still the best.”

“I know,” is Jinyoung’s immediate answer and the two of them laugh together. Jinyoung stands up again to take his cup from the desk to the couch where Jaebum is. “So, hyung, care to tell me what you’re here for.”

It makes Jaebum’s hand freeze midway, the rim of the cup on his mouth but he wasn’t taking any sips. One second. Two second. Three second. “Oh, yeah,” he puts down the cup on the table.

Jinyoung waits, sipping from his own cup unfazed.

Jaebum looks at him,  _ really  _ looks at him. Jinyoung’s black hair is cut perfectly, long but not  _ too  _ long nor is it  _ too  _ short. His eyes were bright, eye bags weighing down a little but not enough to hide Jinyoung’s eyes. His mouth were pursued together the way it always is whenever he deals with Jaebum’s mess, followed by a tilt of his lips as a way to remind him that he’s not permanently annoyed with him.

It makes Jaebum tremble a little as he grabs his bag and takes out a document, the cover page glaring at the two of them as he sets it down on the table.

“Oh,” Jinyoung stares at the document. “Has it been a year?”

Jaebum nods his head, his throat clogged enough for him not to be able to talk. He doesn’t know why.

“Wow.” Jinyoung puts down his cup of coffee in favor of taking the document into his own hand. “I’ll read through these later. This isn’t the final copy is it?”

Jaebum shakes his head and manages to croak out, “No, someone else will be coming with the final copy.”

“Then I can just not answer that so we get default judgment, right?” Jinyoung nods his head slowly.

“Yeah.” Jaebum agreed.

They sat in silence.

“Time flies fast, hyung.” Jinyoung remarked, voice light and emotionless. “I didn’t realize it has been a year already. I probably should’ve known the moment you appeared on my doorstep.”

Jaebum doesn’t answer, doesn’t know  _ how  _ to answer. He had planned this scene in his head a couple of hundred of times, had even prepared a speech. The moment the door of Jinyoung’s apartment door opens, Jaebum forgets everything.

It took a second. “Thank you for everything, hyung.” Jinyoung smiles, finally as he puts down the document on the table.

The words are glaring at Jaebum again and he couldn’t look away. He couldn’t, even if he wanted to.

**PETITION FOR DIVORCE**


	2. We'll Start Brand New

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hello i'm sorry it took a week to update this. please tell me what you think!
> 
> ((and a fic is not a fic from marchtwentyfour unless it centers on coffee, so here ya go))

Moving sucks.

The hassle of packing not just a bag but  _ bags  _ and  _ boxes  _ is too much for any sane person. The trouble of informing everyone important from your neighbour and friends to your bank is another. The pain of parting ways with your memories and people that matters to you. The thought that at some point, you have to make new friends and familiarize yourself with new places and people sometimes becomes unbearable. But at some point, there’s excitement and anticipation of what’s coming.

Moving to  _ another  _ country, though? Even worse. The  _ worst _ .

There isn’t just the hassle of packing bags and boxes, but the need to make sure they fit the airlines guideline plus the sorting between things you can’t live without and things you have to give up. There’s the pain, a pain that is a little more permanent from having to part way with the memories and the people that matters to yourself. The thought of needing to familiarize with a whole different place and and entirely new set of people. There’s excitement and anticipation, but there’s dread that’s bubbling on your throat of  _ what ifs  _ that you wouldn’t be able to handle at all.

 

Park Jinyoung is moving to Winnipeg, Canada. The only silver lining in this huge decision is that he’s moving with his whole family.

A whole new country. A whole new place. A whole new city. A whole new community. A whole new set of people. A whole new language.

 

“What would you like to drink, sir?” The stewardress asked him, a pleasant smile on her face. She indicated to the drinks on her trolley, waiting patiently. “We have coffee, tea, apple juice and orange juice.”

Jinyoung, too nervous to actually sleep in their 9 hour flight, rubs his eyes, “Coffee please. Can I get two sugars and one cream, please? Thank you.” he manages to stutter out, his English rusty with no real life practice.

“Definitely, sir.” The lady pours the coffee and prepares the sugar and cream he asked for, stirring the cup right after before handing it over to him. “Do you need anything else?”

Taking a sip from the cup, not as good as the coffee he makes but enough to wake up his senses, he shakes his head on her direction and gives another smile, “Thank you.”

The lady changes her attention to Jinyoung’s family members that consists of his parents and his 9 year old sister. He tunes them out, but sees his younger sister drink apple juice from a plastic cup.

Jinyoung sips more coffee, the hot liquid scalding his throat but comforting his senses. He misses their local Starbucks already, the barista knowing his exact order just before he comes in and always accompanied with a friendly smile and a greeting. He wonders whether he could get his Mom to give him money to buy proper coffee when they arrive.

But the  _ thought _ , the  _ idea  _ that he would be ordering coffee in a language he wasn’t familiar with was scary. He could feel the bubbling in his stomach and his throat constricting. On second thought, maybe not.

“ _ Oppa! Oppa! Let’s watch a movie?”  _ his younger sister, Jimin asked as she tugged on his arms.

Smiling, “ _ Sure, Jimin-ah. What movie do you want to watch? _ ”

They go through the movie list on the screen in front of them, choosing the same movie and settling in on their seats before clicking play the same time. The movie doesn’t start at the same time on their respective screens, Jinyoung’s a second late. He doesn’t mind, watches the movie on his sister’s screen anyway.

They laugh. They point on the characters. Jimin cries a little at the ending.

 

His Dad speaks English properly, answering the officers in Immigration accurately. He doesn’t stutter albeit with an accent that probably would never go away. Years of working in an international company with experiences of going to New York or Seattle for business meetings obvious with the way he was confident in his stance and words.

Jinyoung feels his hands go cold at the thought of doing the same thing, facing people who doesn’t speak his language or even have knowledge of it.

They were signed and let go of in a few minutes with a hearty  _ Welcome to Canada!  _ from the people in the office. Soon they have the trolley filled with their bags and they were out, on the arrival and to the busy hallway of an airport.

“ _ I’ll go exchange our money for some dollars. Wait here for me, alright _ ?” Jinyoung is relieved his Dad took up the decision to do this for them. He leaves them by a bench, arranging their trolleys so they don’t block any passerby and then he was gone to the direction of the Currency Exchange that Jinyoung saw.

Jimin was sitting on the bench, hair a little messy from the way she slept after the movie ended. His Mom fussed over her, pulling her up to stand.

“ _ We’ll go to the bathroom for a few minutes, okay? Can you stand guard, sweetheart? _ ” his Mom asked him, hand clasped on Jimin’s already. When he nodded and smiled, she patted his arm with her free hand. “ _ Don’t look so nervous, Jinyoung-ah. Your Dad would be back soon. You’ll be fine. _ ”

Jinyoung doesn’t actually believe her, but when she walked over to the other side where the sign of the washroom was hanging, he can’t help but hope she was right. That they would be fine,  _ he  _ would be fine.

So he stands guard on their belongings, making sure all the trolleys were in view. But he didn’t need to wait long, his Dad already walking over with an envelope in hand.

“ _ You wanted coffee, right? Our connecting flight to Winnipeg won’t be for another 3 hours. You can sleep on the bench or do you want to buy coffee now? _ ” his Dad asked, already taking out a bill from the envelope.

“ _ Coffee, Dad. I don’t think the benches are comfortable enough for me to sleep on them. _ ” Jinyoung takes the handed bill, green with the number 20 on it. It looked different from their own money and felt even more different. He puts it in his wallet. “ _ Mom and Jimin just went to the bathroom. Did you want me to get you anything, Dad? _ ”

His Dad shakes his head, “ _ I’m a little sleepy and I did get a second cup in the plane. Can you get your Mom a hot Green tea though? And buy Jimin a donut, she was disappointed the dessert in the plane wasn’t good enough. The coffee shops are just down there. _ ”

“ _ I will _ .” Jinyoung nods, feet walking to the direction his Dad directed him to.

It was weird. The cold wasn’t bothering him, Winters in Seoul was colder than the temperature in the airport but he was still shivering. And the more he took a step closer, to a line of people waiting to have their orders taken, he could feel his heart thudding even crazier.

When he gets nearer, he realizes it wasn’t a Starbucks. It was a Tim Horton’s and he knows what this was, he was no stranger to researching the place he was moving to in Google. The smell of coffee was tempting and he was about to fall back in line when he sees the familiar logo of Starbucks just at the other side. The small booth looked familiar with the forest green and the wooden counter. The menu looked almost the same with the difference of the prices being in doller instead of in won.

The difference?

Jinyoung’s eyebrows furrows, there was no one in line or even waiting to be served.

He looks back to the line in Tim Horton’s, shorter but there were still about 5 people in line and there were already 2 registers moving. He sees more people fall back at line and more people leave with a cup of coffee. Then he looks at Starbucks, one person finally going up to the front to order.

He was somewhere else. Somewhere not his home, where he isn’t familiar with.

Walking slowly, hands grasping his wallet tightly, he goes over to Starbucks where the cashier was calling out for him with a smile. He can’t even tell if it was genuine, or if the smile was relieved to get another customer and they were used to the other store getting all the orders.

“What would you like for today?” the girl smiles, she looks Asian but her English was perfect and rolls off her tongue perfectly.

“Uh,” Jinyoung stares at the menu and recognizes a few words. He hopes the menu  _ is  _ the same from the one at home. “Grande White Mocha Americano and hot Venti Green Tea, p-please. And uh,” he glances to the display case they have.

“Any pastries, sir?” she prompts, having finished inputting his drink order.

Jinyoung’s eyes were swimming, the words on the case still a blur to him. So he points to one, a donut with a glaze on top. It looked sweet and Jimin has no qualms about eating any bread as long as it’s sweet.

“That would be $17.80, sir.” she accepts the cash that Jinyoung handed wordlessly. She could give him the wrong change for all he cares, the coins were confusing. “Your order would be available on the left counter. Thank you and have a great day!”

The words were fast, entering his ear and leaving on the other side. He understands it, but the processing was a little slower. He smiles and almost bows-- _ almost _ \-- before he remembered where he was and he stopped.

The drink was the same size as the one back at home, but the smell and taste of coffee was a bit different. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t magnificent. Drinking coffee has always made him feel at home, made him feel comfortable. But this cup, on the same cup his drinks always comes and from the same coffee shop, is different. It’s not home.

Jimin eats the donut happily, apparently it was a vanilla. His Mom drinks the tea, sharing some with his Dad and commenting about how it tastes different but better than the one at home. They discuss how although it was the same brand, they probably get their orders from different places.

Jinyoung tunes them out, hands being warmed by the cup he’s holding. He has his earbuds on, listening to Nell’s  _ Time Walking Through Memories _ and the familiar Korean words soothing him a little.

He tunes out the outside world, the foreign language all around him. He pretends he’s back at home where everyone around him speaks the same language, forming words with the same tongue. He ignores everyone walking past him, pretends they were the same people he squishes around during rush hour in the subway.

Then he drinks the last drop of the coffee and threw the offending cup away.

It wasn’t home. Not one bit.

 

The next plane they get on was infinitely smaller, infinitely more uncomfortable and infinitely more dusty than the last one. It was a domestic flight, his Dad reasons out as he pushes their carry-on under the chairs of the people in front of them. He directs them to take a seat, Jimin taking the one beside the window as Jinyoung took the aisle while his parents are just across him.

It was just two hours and he just came from a 9 hour flight, but it felt like time moved much  _ much  _ slower this time.

Jimin was leaning on his shoulder, asleep. The screen in front of him played nothing that interests him so he places his earbuds back in his ears and plays IU’s latest album. He forces his eyes to sleep, for his brain to stop working.

But when the stewardess drops by to offer them refreshments, he asks for another cup of coffee. It tasted like stale and bitter water.

 

Dad’s brother looked like him albeit taller and a little heavier. He smiled the same way, eyes crinkling as he took his brother into a hug and introduced his family.

Jinyoung was close to his uncles and aunts, even his cousins. But that was because he had known them their whole life, spent time with them as he grew up. These people, his Dad’s brother, the wife and the younger cousin were people he hasn’t met since he could remember.

They were family, but they were strangers.

 

Food was overflowing: roasted beef and friend chicken, carbonara and mashed potato, and rice. Everyone filled up their bellies, laughters and stories ringing around the table. Pieces of cutlery hitting the plates and glasses of water being refilled.

It felt like betrayal.

Jinyoung fumbled with the fried chicken and rice on his plate, hands twitching as if it was longing for something. For chopsticks and bowls of soup and kimchi on the side.

His uncle and aunt spoke in Korean, the words only a little bit of comfort to him. But their son, Jason, was born and raised in Winnipeg. He couldn’t speak Korean and only understood a few words. He and Jimin were at the side, communication via giggles and elbows knocking against each other.

Jinyoung had never felt so alone in such a small space, surrounded by his own family.

As he digs in on his food again, stomach actually a little hungry and reminding him to eat, he wonders if meals will always be like this. Like being a stranger on the table, pretending to be someone he was not.

 

The bed was very much welcome, too springy but comfortable enough compared to the seats in the plane and the benches in the airport. He was sharing it with Jimin, who was currently in Jason’s room watching something on his television.

“ _ Thank you very much, Aunt Suyoung. _ ” Jinyoung bows and his aunt giggles.

“ _ You have such a polite son, _ ” she tells his parents before patting his arm the way his Mom does too. It makes him wonder if it was a Mother thing. “ _ Get some rest tonight and then we’ll tour you around tomorrow, alright? _ ”

“ _ Goodnight _ ,” the three of them chorus as they went on their own way.

 

Jinyoung slept properly that night, but he was sure that it was the cause of fatigue that was built up by all the plane rides they went on and the emotional turmoil he had gone through.

 

When Jinyoung wakes up on a foreign bed, in a foreign room with a flowery curtain, he almost hits his head on the wall in his hurry to get up and leave. Then he sees Jimin sleeping soundly beside him, blanket thrown on the side. His Mom and Dad share the bed on the other side of the room, both still sleeping.

He rubs his palm on his face before pulling the blanket up to cover Jimin’s sleeping form. Then slowly and carefully, he goes down on the bottom of the bed and looked for the slippers that his Aunt let them borrow yesterday.

The door doesn’t creak when he opens it, but it might as well have with the way his heart was thudding at the thought of  _ what if someone is outside the door and would talk to me _ ? Jinyoung could feel the blood pumping to his head, his limbs turning a little weak.

But there wasn’t anyone behind the door, the house quiet and the lights turned off with only the lights from the window illuminating the room. He turns to his left and onto the bathroom, locking it before leaning back on the wall to breathe properly.

He takes one breathe, two breathes, three breathes, four breathes, five breathes, six breathes and seven. The blood stopped pumping and his heart eased a little, he could think properly again and his hands had stopped shaking.

This was better.

 

Jimin was the one who knocked on the door, small voice calling out and asking for him. “ _ Are you done, oppa? I need to pee. _ ” she knocks twice.

Jinyoung doesn’t answer and just opens the door, smiling at her as he ruffles her hair and lets her get in the washroom. This was normal, Jimin getting up early to pry Jinyoung away from the confines of their washroom. She had probably always known, always had an idea of what was happening that Jinyoung himself couldn’t voice. She had always been understanding, supportive and cheerful enough for the both of them.

“ _ Are you going back to sleep? _ ” Jinyoung asked, standing by the door and leaning over it.

“ _ Yes! Let’s go back to sleep, oppa! _ ” she answered, loud enough to be heard through the thick doors.

“ _ Okay. _ ” Jinyoung replied instantly, moving to lean his back on the wall instead. He takes the time to stare at the cream colored wall, the same paint throughout the house from what he’d seen.

The house was modest in size with only a basement and the first floor, but it didn’t lack anything that would indicate his uncle and aunt had money. They had two living rooms complete with huge televisions and a playstation for Jason to play on. The rooms had beds that looked more expensive than Jinyoung’s house back home and the curtains matching everything from the bed covers to the pillows. Even the kitchen looked amazing, stocked with a lot of food and the finest cooktop and oven.

Jimin opens the door and tugs on Jinyoung’s shirt to catch his attention. “ _ Let’s go, oppa? _ ” she gives him a smile.

They go back to sleep, Jinyoung realizing he actually still felt sleepy the moment he laid his head on the pillow. Jimin was out cold immediately, curled up on his side and breathing heavily. They wake up two hours later to the smell of bacon and eggs and french toast, his aunt apologizing they don’t have rice for breakfast because Jason doesn’t eat it.

Jinyoung smiles and thanks them for the food, slowly picking on his plate and eating every few minutes. Everyone around him were smiling and enjoying their meal, conversation about the plans for the day. He doesn’t participate, not really interested on it.

 

Downtown was… brown.

Jinyoung couldn’t think of any word to describe the place filled with old-looking buildings mixed with a few new ones here and there. Compared to the quiet neighbourhood his uncle’s place was in, downtown was filled with people walking back and forth while some stood on what he assumed was the bus stop. It looked busy, looked alive and looked  _ so  _ full of energy.

“Wait until it’s Winter, you’ll think this place is a zombie town!” his uncle remarked when his Mom had mentioned the number of people in the place. “You’ll see no one walking by.”

“Winters here are harsher than the ones at home, I miss Busan sometimes because of that.” his aunt added.

Bouncing on her seat was Jimin, pointing out places she said she wants to visit and places she wants to eat at. The elders laugh and assures them that they would tour the City more during the weekends and Jimin was placated with that.

Jinyoung looks out the window, people walking back and forth and not one single one of them looking like someone from home. It was daunting, challenging to be a minority somewhere when he got  _ so  _ used to blending in the shadows. How could he? When he would look so out of place here?

The emotions were bubbling in his throat when he felt Jimin’s hand slip quietly on his, squeezing it. It stopped immediately, like an instand reaction to him because Jimin had always been calming and  _ home  _ in this foreign place.

_ Thank you _ , he mouths to her and grins. She giggles and knocks their elbows together.

 

When they finished with all the necessary documents needed to live there, his uncle and aunt apologized they won’t be able to go anywhere else to tour due to his uncle needing to go to work. Jinyoung and his parents immediately told them it was alright and that touring can wait. Jimin looked a little put out.

They go back to the house to eat lunch and soon his uncle was getting dressed to leave. He kisses his aunt before bidding them good bye.

“ _ I’ll have to leave too and pick-up Jason from school. I’ll have to leave you here if that’s alright? _ ” they give out an affirmative, seeing her off on the door and locking it the way they were told to do.

With his uncle and aunt gone, his Mom looks at them, “ _ Okay _ ,” she gives them a smile, “ _ Let’s clean up the place while they’re gone! _ ”

His Dad’s shoulder, probably looking forward to sleeping again, slumped and agreed to do so.

“ _ Can I make coffee again? _ ” Jinyoung asked his parents who both gave him a knowing look before nodding. He smiles, “ _ Do you want another cup? _ ”

They both shook their head and started making plans on how to clean and who would do which. Jimin was raising her hand, offering to dry the dishes as it was the only thing she actually knows how to.

With his parents starting on the basement, it was only Jinyoung and Jimin upstairs. She was by the sink, drying the dishes one by one while Jinyoung puts them away on the cupboards as best as he remembers. His coffee was already dripping, the smell from the coffee maker was amazing that Jinyoung took a note of the coffee they had so he could check up on it.

“ _ Oppa, _ ” Jimin broke the silence, “ _ What kind of place do you want when we move? I want a house, but I heard Dad telling Mom we might just rent an apartment. _ ”

“ _ Oh _ ,” Jinyoung hadn’t heard that. “ _ I don’t really care which, but I do want to move soon. _ ”

Jimin smiles. “ _ It’s going to be fine, oppa.  _ You _ ’re going to be fine. At some point we’ll be able to make progress, make friends and get used to the place and get our own place. Then you’ll be free to lock yourself inside the room and no one will judge. _ ”

“ _ Thank you, _ ” Jinyoung grins as the coffee maker beeps and signals his finished product. He leaves her side to grab the mug he had filled with two sugar and four creams, a little too sweet but the best kind of coffee for him. He fills it up just half an inch from the brim and stirs it well, loving the smell. When he was done, he takes one sip and smiles.

“ _ You look the best when you’re smiling, oppa, _ ” Jimin suddenly pipes up, looking cheekily at him, “ _ You’d be able to find a girlfriend immediately if you just smiled more. Or a boyfriend. _ ” she winks at then laughs at his face. “ _ Calm down, oppa. Mom and Dad really really doesn’t care, that’s why they wanted to move here, remember? Well, besides hoping I get a better future and all that. _ ”

Jinyoung takes another sip. “ _ You’re way too mature for your own age, Jiminie _ .”

“ _ Does that mean I can get a boyfriend soon, oppa _ ?” her eyes were filled with mischief and Jinyoung wonders if his eyes had ever made that look. They look alike a lot, people had always commented on it, and he wonders if he could make those same emotions.

“ _ Not until you’re 40, Jiminie. _ ” Jinyoung replied, taking another sip before putting it down to help her with the dishes again. They work together, the atmosphere filled with their hopes and dreams for the future as well as the messages their friends left them with.

 

Two years ago, Jinyoung had come out to his parents. It was the single most terrifying moment in his life and he’s had a lot of close calls, but this one moment tops the list.

It was a summer day and Jinyoung chose it because both his parents and Jimin--who already knew--were at home while their neighbours were at work. No one, besides his small family was at hearing range so that even if there was screaming, no one else would’ve been able to hear. The sun was scortching so his Dad had turned up the airconditioning in the house while his Mom cooked them cold noodles for a snack.

Jinyoung can always remember that day clearly whenever he wanted, the details felt like they are ingrained in his mind. He can remember his favorite jeans on, the one worn out not from style but from years of being used and the yellow shirt with the words  **YOU CAN DO IT** on the chest (bought courtesy by his best friend Wonpil from Myeongdong). He wasn’t wearing his house slippers, the feel on his feet too slippery for comfort as he sweated buckets. His Mom was on the kitchen by the stove while his Dad was sitting on the table with his laptop on. Jimin, who had also known beforehand, was in the livingroom and was sitting close by. She was still 8 by that time and didn’t  _ totally  _ understand what could happen but she knew his brother needed moral support.

“Mom, Dad,” Jinyoung had managed to croak out as he stood by the entrance to the kitchen from the living room. He had his hands clasped in front of him, clutching each other tightly that they hurt a little.

“Yes, son?” His Dad asked, looking up from his laptop while his Mom looked at him.

“I,” there was a split second of uncertainty, of that self-question as his mind went into hyperdrive. All reasons were gone and he was suddenly feeling very  _ very  _ stupid because even though he weighted down the pros and cons long ago, he knew that this wouldn’t go well. He knew that nothing good would come out of this. He suddenly questioned why he was even doing this. He could just pretend nothing was wrong with him, it wasn’t like he would ever get a boyfriend--his parents could continue living normally and he would still be their parents. They would still accept him. As long as he doesn’t say anything.

(He pretends and ignores that backpack hidden in his closet, filled with necessary clothing and needs that would last him a month. He pretends he doesn’t have all his savings stashed inside the bag, buried deep with his shirts. He pretends he hasn’t told Wonpil he would stay with them for awhile. Just in case. Just in case he was thrown away.)

“Nothing, it doesn’t matter.” Jinyoung gives them a weak smile and turns around, ready to run back to his room and pretend this didn’t happen, pretend he didn’t just chicken out of his decision suddenly.

But his Mom called for him, “Jinyoung-ah. Look at me.”

Jinyoung closed his eyes and opened them again before turning around, ready to spout out lies that he had homework and he should really get back to it. But before he could say anything, before his mouth could do the work, he  _ saw  _ them. His Mom and Dad looking at him worriedly, looking at him as if nothing else mattered in the whole world besides Jinyoung being able to say what he wanted to. They were genuine, they were honest and Jinyoung thought that maybe he could do this.

“I’m gay!” Jinyoung said in a rush, head turning down and his eyes closing in their own accord. “I know it’s against our culture and this isn’t normal! But I’m gay! I would never be able to look at a woman and marry her to give you grandchildren! Because I like men and that would never change!” he hadn’t meant to add the other parts, supposed to just be an announcement of his sexuality and then done. But that didn’t go the way it was supposed to because the moment he started, he couldn’t stop the insecurities and worries out from his mouth.

Silence.

And then, “We have Jimin.” His Dad said.

For a single second, Jinyoung thought that meant  _ We have Jimin to keep as our only child you can get the hell away from this house _ .

But then, “She could give us grandchildren, you don’t have to.” His Mom added.

“You can love whoever you want to and I don’t care who it is, as long as you’ll be able to love someone,” his Dad continued, “Because that’s the only thing that would make me and your Mom happy, to see you in love and happy with your own partner.”

A tear.

Jinyoung hasn’t looked up, but when he does he sees blur before he was wrapped in a set of arms--two, three. His Dad, his Mom and Jimin all has their arms around him tightly, as if they were afraid to let him go.

Tears.

They were all crying, Jimin a little confused why but she was red eyed on her own. They had moved to the couch, all wrapped around with pizza on their hand. His Mom had ruined the food, left it just so she could come to him. And that meant a lot, more than they could ever know.

 

A couple of months after that, his Dad had come home and announced they were going to apply to move to Canada. Jinyoung was confused, not understanding at all how his Dad could suddenly decide to uproot their family and move somewhere far away from everything and everyone they know.

But then his Dad explained why and Jinyoung could feel the tears forming in his eyes again.

“I told you I want you to be able to fall in love and that would never happen if we’re sitting here in a country that wouldn’t be able to accept that part of you,” his Dad explained gently, looking at him in that way that says he was serious.

When Jinyoung had decided to tell his parents that he way gay, his best scenario was that they wouldn’t mind and just go on their merry way and ignore him. He wasn’t expecting  _ this _ , for them to make plans considering him and his position. His heart warmed and he remembered again how much he loved his family and he knows they love him too.

 

But now, fast forward two years later and he’s sitting in a bus as his Dad is buried on the application on his phone telling him where they would be getting off. They were dressed in sweater and scarves, the Spring here in Winnipeg colder than it is at home. When his Dad had managed to de-code the app and tell where they would get down, he looked at them happily and listed the things they could do.

His uncle and aunt has work again. They could’ve stayed in the house like yesterday, watch the television and clean the house but his Dad decided they should get out and try to use the bus. His Mom, bored a little, agreed so soon they were bundled up and ready to leave.

Finding the right bus station was a little challenging when they weren’t even close to being familiar with the neighbourhood. They walked and walked, finally deciding on opening up Google Maps to guide them. It was a good thing his Dad had data or they would’ve all been lost and what a sad news that would’ve been.

When they arrived in the Mall, Polo Park, they were a little excited--Jinyoung included. It was some place new and there weren’t a lot of people on a Thursday afternoon. But when they walked, his Mom wanting to try out Tim Horton’s, they passed by Starbucks on the entrance. The line was short but the tables inside were filled with people on their laptops or just drinking from cups.

Jinyoung turns away, reminded of the scene in the airport.

They managed to find Tim Horton’s, tucked on a corner and near a different entrance. For it being much smaller than the Starbucks, it was filled with people. The line was long, too long in his Mom’s judgment and she wasn’t determined enough to wait for it. Jinyoung smells the coffee brewing and he, for a split second, almost asked them to stay and try it. But his Mom had already decided they should just go back to Starbucks.

Jimin orders her usual Strawberry Frappe even though it was cold. His parents their usual venti Green tea and grande Cappuccino with an extra shot of espresso. Jinyoung orders Caramel Macchiato, not particularly in the mood to stay up late until who knows what time. His body hasn’t even fully caught up with the time difference, he wasn’t going to risk it at least.

They don’t get a seat in the cafe, but they do find themselves taking a table on the food court in the second floor. Jimin was excitedly asking his parents if they could get burgers, Jason having told him that the burgers and rootbear from A&W was his favorite. His parents placcated her, telling her that if they were still here by the time dinner rolls in, they’ll buy food.

“ _ What time is it, son? _ ” his Mom asked him.

“ _ Just a little past 4 o’clock. _ ” Jinyoung answered and stopped listening to the conversation. His attention was caught by the Korean meals he saw at the other side of the food court. People lining up didn’t look anything Korean, but the people working in it seemed like they are. “ _ Hey Mom, can we eat dinner here? I, uh, want to try that Korean meal. _ ”

His Mom looked at the direction he was pointing at. “ _ Oh! Yes, yes we could. I haven’t had kimchi in a while and my taste buds feels so confused! _ ” she laughed as her husband agreed.

“ _ I wish we could cook something nice at home like a simple jjiggae, but Jason won’t eat that. _ ” his Dad commented and shrugged, “ _ When we get our own place, we can go to that Korean mart that hyung was talking about and fill up our fridge with kimchi. _ ”

The talk about a Korean mart perked Jinyoung right up. “ _ There are Korean marts? Can we go? _ ”

“ _ They’re a little far from your uncle’s house, but maybe we can arrange something when get the chance. _ ” his Dad assured him.

Jimin complained at the side, asking that they buy her a burger instead of whatever they were getting. She said she really wanted to try that, insisting it was important as if she hasn’t eaten burgers before.

Jinyoung only feels a slight tug in her heart, the thought that Jimin would grow up not surrounded by friends and family. She doesn’t have good English, but he heard his aunt talking to his Mom how when Jimin starts school she’ll have a better English than all of them as kids pick the language up fast.

It makes him sad only a little. Jimin would change the most, she would learn to love this place as if she had been here her whole life. She would experience school the longest and be surrounded by kids who had lived here far longer than she had. She would get influenced, her beliefs would change and her priorities would differ. It could be either good or bad, but either way she was going to be different.

Jinyoung doesn’t say anything, but the thought leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.


	3. Spiraling down down down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaaaand the next chapter is here. please comment and tell me how you think?

**wonpil.kim** : when are you going to reply to me nyoung

**jinyoungie** : never

**wonpil.kim:** you suck, i can't believe i miss you at all when you're probably off there in winnipeg drinking maple syrup

**jinyoungie** : that is not healthy why would i ever do that

**wonpil.kim** : because as much as you don’t like to admit it, you have a ranging sweet tooth. do i need to remind you of the numerous wrappers of candy i find in your bag?

**jinyoungie** : blashpemy!!!! why are u being mean to me, wonpil? i though u miss me :(

**wonpil.kim:** i do miss you :( it’s not the same here now that you’re gone and we haven’t had the chance to do any calls :( 

**jinyoungie** : i know, i promise i’ll tell u if we can arrange one! dad is planning to move asap so when we do we can call!!!

**wonpil.kim** : you promise?

**jinyoungie** : i promise

**wonpil.kim** : okay. so how is everything there?

Jinyoung bites his lip as he typed the reply because he knows exactly what his best friend was asking for. They  _ both  _ know exactly what they meant with their question.

**jinyoungie** : i can feel the fear bubbling up, just waiting but so far i’ve been good. jimin has kept me in check but

**wonpil.kim** : but? what is it??? tell me 

**jinyoungie** : but we’re different you know? and people keep on looking??

**wonpil.kim** : oh nyoung… i wish i could be there and i promise i’ll come visit you at some point 

**jinyoungie** : it’s fine, i’ll be fine. you’ve been going to class right? you haven’t been skipping just to work, have you?

**wonpil.kim** : HAHAHAHA no what are u talking about nyoung anyway i gotta go, classes start in 30mins

**jinyoungie** : you’re running away >|

**wonpil.kim** : am not~ but anyway i really gotta go, i’ll message u when i get back home ok?

The clock reads 8:06PM which means it was 10:06AM in Seoul. Wonpil isn’t just going to school, he was going to be  _ late _ if he doesn’t leave immediately.

**jinyoungie** : go on and run, wonpil!!!!!

**wonpil.kim** : thanks nyoung c: drink your meds alright?

**jinyoungie** : yeah yeah

Wonpil doesn’t reply after that and Jinyoung takes it to mean that his friend had finally gone to class. He smiles at the thought that Wonpil is actually trying to go to class without Jinyoung there to knock on his door and push him to get dressed. Even though his friend looked like the goody two shoes kind, the kind who goes to class promptly and do their homework beforehand, he was the complete opposite. Wonpil is in a band, they’re hoping to get signed and all that, so he works part-time trying to earn enough money. Sometimes he skips school just to work or practice and although Jinyoung supports his friend’s passion 100%, he doesn’t agree skipping class is worth it.

He turns to look at the pouch on his bag he had been ignoring. If Wonpil skips classes, Jinyoung skips medicine.

He has his Zoloft and Klonopin had been untouched ever since they left Seoul. His parents had been asking him about the medicines and he had been telling them he’d been taking them. Jimin doesn’t believe him, but she doesn’t say anything.

Jinyoung hates the medicine, hates that it makes him feel  _ so  _ weak.

 

Walking at night had become his and Jimin’s habit. Promptly after dinner is finished and they had helped with the dishwashing and putting away the plates and cutlery, he and Jimin grabs a jacket and puts on their shoes to tell their parents they were going on a walk.

This started because one time his uncle and aunt was at home, on their day-off and was  _ very  _ much interested about Jinyoung. They asked about is school, his friends and everything they could get out of him. At first it was fine, breezing through with answers and talking about his classes. But then they started asking more more  _ more  _ and Jinyoung couldn’t stop the harsh breathe that came out of him as he feel his heart thunder in his chest. His hands were cold and his knees were shaking a little.

It was Jimin who noticed, she was sitting with Jason and watching cartoons on the television when she suddenly got up and walked over to where Jinyoung was sitting.

“ _ Can we go on a walk, oppa? I want to walk around, please? _ ” she asked suddenly, no excuses or pretenses.

Jinyoung’s mind was snapped out of the dark place it was steering to. He looks at his uncle and aunt, “ _ Uh, can you excuse us? I’ll go accompany Jimin on a walk if that’s fine. _ ”

They give them their permission, reminding them not to go too far and not to arrive too late. Jimin and had tugged his hand towards their room so they could grab their jackets and his phone. Soon they were out in the cool Spring night, the sun still out at 8:47PM.

“ _ Thanks _ ,” was all Jinyoung could voice out to his sister.

“ _ We’re never going to tell uncle and aunt, oppa? _ ” she asked, walking beside him. “ _ I mean, it’s not a big deal because you’re okay, oppa. There’s nothing wrong with you and you’re getting better. But… _ ”

Jinyoung understands what she means, “ _ Sometimes this could happen again? They could get too pushy or ask too many questions? They’re basically strangers still, at some point I’ll get familiar with them and be able to talk properly _ .” But the thundering of his heart, still too fast to be normal and the lingering shaking of his knees were still there, a reminder that he was not fine.

“ _ You’ll make friends, oppa. There may not be a Wonpil oppa here, but you’ll make friends. _ ” Jimin promises, her words sure as if she believes them one hundred percent.

“ _ Okay _ ,” he replied even though he doesn’t think it could be true.

He has trouble making friends, trouble making  _ any  _ kind of connection with other people after all. He doesn’t believe it could get any better, that  _ he  _ could get any better not when he’s in a foreign place with people all around possibly knowing he was new and judging him for it. And the truth is, he can’t help it.

They start the routine from then on, walking just right after dinner to avoid his unle and aunt but also to appreciate the beauty of the place. Their neighbourhood was filled with pretty houses and the night air was cool, plus they never run into anyone else since it seems like everyone is always too busy to be out their house at any time of the day.

 

When things were going too well, when it seems like your life is in the right direction, everything goes wrong. And when you’re Park Jinyoung, when you have social anxiety disorder ever since you can remember, it becomes worse than it actually is.

His parents were in this short class about learning how to get a job and all that. They had asked Jinyoung if he wanted to come join them, he was 21 after all and could learn these things too but he didn’t particularly like the idea of it. They didn’t push, knowing why so they went there on their own and left Jinyoung to get coffee.

If his uncle and aunt weren’t at home, Jinyoung would have locked himself up in the room. But since they didn’t have work and were at home, he didn’t want to stay there with even a little chance that he has to talk to them and interact with them.

Starbucks was just across the street, the sign is something that Jinyoung has seen tens of thousands of times. It would usually calm him down immediately, like a beacon of light for someone lost and water to the thirtiest, but he knows that the moment he steps inside with the familiar interior and the familiar smell of coffee everything is still so  _ wrong _ .

He orders a Grande White Mocha Americano and a brownie, stutters over the pronounciation a little but he was able to pay and didn’t even look at the change he got. The bills were easier to remember, but the coins were a little harder to remember. He takes a seat at the very far corner, luckily empty and the neighbouring tables free.

_ Time to read _ . Jinyoung takes out the copy of John Grisham’s latest book, a good bye gift he got from Wonpil that he hasn’t touched yet. He takes a sip of the coffee, a little too bitter for his taste as if the White Mocha didn’t kick in. He was reminded of that one time they went somewhere for Wonpil’s performance and Jinyoung ordered a White Mocha Americano as well but the drink didn’t taste anything  _ like  _ White Mocha. Being who he is, he just poured a copious amount of sugar and stirred it as well as he hoped it could.

The drink was wrong, all wrong. But it tasted a bit like home, a little like the Starbucks near their University who has baristas that were extremely nice and didn’t mind that Jinyoung stuttered and never looked them in the eye. They knew his order to heart, preparing and punching it in before he could even get to the counter. They never made a fuss, never tried to make too long a conversation past the  _ I hope you’re having a great day  _ or  _ It’s going to rain later so I hope you brought an umbrella!  _ They didn’t know about Jinyoung, he never told them but it felt like they understand.

Closing his eyes, he tries to imagine his favorite seat there, the one by the back but far from the washroom. He imagines the right color of the seat and the counter at the front instead of the side. He draws the people in his mind, the staff he had gotten used to. He blocks out the music and plays latest album from Nell. He imagines and pretends he was back home and that the drink isn’t sub-par.

When Jinyoung opens his eyes, he isn’t as uncomfortable anymore.

This will do.

 

Jinyoung’s luck runs out the next week. His parents were running late so he wasn’t able to fix himself a cup when they leave so he  _ really  _ needs a caffeine fix.

“ _ We’ll see you back here in four hours okay? _ ” His Mom pats his shoulders before they entered the building and Jinyoung was left to cross the street to Starbucks.

When he got nearer, he felt his stomach churn. As if something was wrong, as if something wasn’t going right. He was right. The sign  _ We are closed for today! Sorry for the inconvenience. We’ll brew you a good cup in a week!  _ was on the door. He could feel himself shaking, either from the lack of coffee or the thought he has to go somewhere else.

He opens up his phone and searches Google for the nearest Starbucks near him. It was far, a little more than five blocks away and he wasn’t in the mood to walk that far and bump to anymore people. So he gives up and searches for a general question on where any coffee place is around him. Luckily there was one just a block away, unluckily it was a Tim Horton’s.

Normally he wouldn’t go and risk it, but he really does need coffee. So he pockets his phone and walks to the direction he got from the map. It didn’t take very long for him to see the huge red sign of  _ Tim Hortons  _ just taunting him. The closer he got, the more his steps got slower and heavier, the more he questions if this was worth it. Maybe he could just turn around and walk to the other Starbucks, but before he realized it, he was by the door and the person infront of him was holding the other open for him with a smile.

Heart thudding and hand shaking he manages to stutter out a, “Thank you.”

The interior was brighter than the one he is used to, people were in line and he falls back to end. No one was looking at him, everyone else too busy with their phones or eyes on the counter and he feels a little better. The smell was amazing, just like the one from the airport and he wonders if it tastes just as good. But the closer he got to the counter, the line was long but it was moving just as fast, he realized he had  _ no idea  _ what to order. He sees the menu hanging above and he doesn’t understand a single thing about it. He had worked himself in a frenzy that by the moment he was being called to the counter, a boy with a huge smile, he was shaking more than usual.

“Good morning! What can I help you with?” The voice in front of him was pleasant and he knows the face matches that from the view he saw a little earlier.

But Jinyoung can’t concentrate on anything else, the world was a blur to him. Hands shaking. Heart thundering. Hands sweating. Knees buckling. He can feel how hot red his cheeks are as if he was going to burst. Running out the store is probably the best idea right now. So he steps back, almost falling at the intensity of how he took his step.

Then he runs, almost slipping on the floor and almost bumping on the glass door but he managed to push it open. It felt like a lifetime, but it wasn’t. It was just a few seconds, a minute tops and yet it feels longer than that. He was breathing harshly and his hands were clamy against his jeans as he crouches down.

What would those people think? The cashier? The people on the line who definitely saw him? The people seated around them who were probably wondering why he ran suddenly? They probably thinks he was someone weird, that something was wrong with him. And you know what? They were  _ right _ .

Jinyoung was weird.

Jinyoung wasn’t normal.

Jinyoung was so very, very much wrong.

Jinyoung walks the six blocks to where the next Starbucks was, breathing heavily and still disoriented a little. He doesn’t look up when he orders, ears thruming as he pays for the drink and waits for it to be made. He almost doesn’t hear his name called but he comes up and takes it, not even thanking the staff as he all but ran to the empty chair at the very back.

Never again, Jinyoung thinks. Never again.

 

Things doesn’t totally get better after that. His parents finally get a job, a little too hard than their previous job but they were going to make do with it. They need the money after all, especially if they want to start anything. His Dad was tired, juggling two jobs at once while his Mom deals with her own.

Jinyoung feels guilty. A little  _ too  _ guilty because he knows why they’re working so hard. He  _ understands  _ why they need to work hard. Because there is no one else who would be able to do it. Not ten year old Jimin whose main worry is starting school and not making friends because she doesn’t speak proper English. Not Jinyoung, alreay in his 20s and not  _ at all  _ be able to support himself and definitely not his family.

“ _ Do you think we’ll be okay? _ ” Jimin asks one night when they’re under the covers, the clock ticking in the background. It was past midnight, Jinyoung was sure, because the last time he looked it was half past 11 and that’s been ages ago.

Their parents weren’t home and they won’t be home for at least a few more hours, both of them in their respective works. His Mom has been sleeping as soon as she gets home, foregoing eating breakfast for a few more hours of rest so that she has enough energy to go back to work that afternoon. His Dad, who wakes up early for work but gets home late because of his part-time job gets even less rest, sleep has become a luxury. They’re working hard, saving up enough so they could rent by themselves and Jinyoung wouldn’t have to worry day and night, going through his thoughts over and over on what to say and how to act around their relatives.

“ _ I have no idea, _ ” Jinyoung answered truthfully, voice muffled by the blanket he pulled over his mouth. “ _ Do  _ you  _ think we’ll be okay? _ ”

Jimin doesn’t immediately answer, actually thinking about the question and Jinyoung was surprised because she was the complete opposite of him. She was free, open and excited about new things which balances them out. She always was the one ready to face new people, pulling him towards her when he’s pushing himself back.

“ _ I think we’ll be okay. _ ” she finally answered, the silence broken. “ _ Are you going to be okay, oppa? _ ”

The question was innocent, simple yet so full of other things. He knows what she’s asking, knows what she means when says the word okay. It’s a summary of other things he’s feeling, of other problems he’s facing. It’s one things to have issues and another to have your own mind against you every second of every day.

“ _ I’m… not getting any better, _ ” he answered, thinking back when just the other week he ran away because he didn’t know what to order. It sounded ridiculous, like a problem so weak it doesn’t even deserve the title to be called a problem at all. But to him, it was a huge thing and it feels like such a setback. “ _ But I will be better. At some point. Right? _ ”

Jimin answers immediately this time, as if she has been waiting to speak, “ _ Of course you will be, oppa! Wonpil oppa might not be here to pull you to places or speak to other people for you, but I’m here. And I know that you’ll make friends, you’ll definetely make friends! You’re amazing oppa. _ ” the last part was almost a whisper, like a thought she has floating in her mind and hasn’t spoken out loud yet.

“ _ Thank you _ .” Jinyoung smiles, eyes a little wet. “ _ Wonpil says he’s missed you too, by the way. _ ”

“ _ I’ve missed him, too. _ ” Jimin yawns, finally feeling sleepy. “ _ Anyway, goodnight oppa. Please sleep well? _ ”

He hasn’t been waking up in the middle of the night lately, spending hours just lying down and worrying before finally sleeping again. But he’s been having nightmares, waking up when the sun is out and he’s sweating from the images his brain has provided him in his sleep. They weren’t pleasant, not even a tiny bit and he knows Jimin has seen him.

“ _ I’m sorry, _ ” Jinyoung said, wiping a single tear that ran down his cheek.

There was silence.

“ _ I do think we’ll be okay, though. _ ” Jinyoung added because he knows it’s true. His parents won’t rest until they’re okay, until Jinyoung is okay. So he trusts them and he believes this. He just wishes he could be a part of it and be of  _ help _ . Not right now, but Jinyoung will be and he’ll make sure this will happen.

“ _ I know _ .” was Jimin’s simple answer.

They fall asleep together then, the world at peace and quiet at that time of the night. Jinyoung dreams again, nightmares. But he’ll be fine. He will be. He’ll make sure of it.

When you’re in a lull, when things just keeps on repeating and schedules are the same over and over, time flies by a little faster. But sometimes, when you’re in the middle of it and you haven’t done anything to be a part of that, you’ll feel helpless and useless.

They rent a small house, his Dad finding it just before the owner rents it out again. He knows the previous renter, a friend back home aparently. Jinyoung didn’t know this person, introducing himself and saying a friendly  _ how are you  _ in his direction. Apparently he’s seen Jinyoung when he was just 6 years old, an only child back then. He doesn’t remember him, but he smiles and answeres anyway to be polite.

“ _ You’ve grown up so well _ ,” the man tells him.

“ _ Thank you _ ,” Jinyoung doesn’t really know what to say to this.

 

The house was small with 2 bedrooms, 1 living room, 1 kitchen, 1 bathroom and a small laundry room at the back. It was cozy, the place welcoming even though Jinyoung hasn’t stepped foot in it ever.

Jimin and his Mom were excitedly discussing about furnitures and color scheme of the curtains at the side whole his Dad chatted with his friend in the kitchen. Jinyoung stays in the hallway, looking around.

They were getting the Master bedroom, sharing it with Jimin. Since they needed two beds, they got the bigger room and his parents got the smaller room. It was finalized and his parents didn’t mind since they weren’t always at home.

As Jinyoung looked around the bare room, painted with faded cream, he keeps imaging how it would look like with two beds, two desks and their dresser. He sees himself at the corner, typing away on his desk like he does back home and he smiles. The room had a feeling to it, as if it has passed through so much and could tell you a different story every day.

Jinyoung knew he would love it.

 

It was with his Dad’s friend that he first goes back to another Tim Horton’s. By this time, they had moved in their new house. They’ve been sleeping on a blanket at the floor, but Jimin had been adamant about getting a bed since her back had been hurting. Jinyoung, his Mom and his Dad’s friend were tasked to buy the bed in IKEA.

“ _ I would come, but someone needs to look after this little runt here. _ ” his Dad ruffled Jimin’s hair, grinning.

“ _ And I trust Jinyoung oppa to choose the beds that would suit our room the best, _ ” she says with a grin. It’s nothing new, to be trusted but Jinyoung still has that proud feeling whenever Jimin says she does.

“ _ Then I’ll be coming to see if there are anythin else we need. _ ” his Mom finalized the topic, everyone agreeing with the arrangement.

His Dad’s friend had agreed to drive them and help them with the shopping, he’s been here long enough to know these things  _ and  _ he does like going to IKEA a lot. In a matter of a few minutes, the three of them were in his pick-up truck and were driving towards the furniture centre.

“ _ Would you like any coffee? _ ” he asked, looking at Jinyoung through the mirror. “ _ Your Dad told me you like coffee. Do you want to go get some before entering IKEA? We can drive thru one near Downtown. We might take more than an hour inside after all.” _

Jinyoung was very prepared to say no, he had already gotten a cup at home and it wasn’t great but it was good enough to last him for a few hours. But if they were going shopping and by the looks of it, the place is huge enough for them to take more than an hour, he  _ would  _ definitely need a cup of coffee now. Maybe just one. Or two.

“ _ Yes, please _ .” He finally answered and his Mom agreed.

“ _ Great. There’s a Tim’s close by, we can go there. _ ” He smiles, eyes still concentrated on the road. “ _ What would you like? _ ”

“ _ Large Green Tea with honey for me. It isn’t as good as the one I get in Starbucks, not sweet enough. _ ” she immediately answered, obvious experience in ordering at one. Jinyoung wonder when his Mom had time to go to one without him.

“ _ Great. How about you, Jinyoung? _ ” He glanced at the mirror once, looking at him for a second before going back to the road.

“ _ Um _ ,” and there’s the question. He doesn’t have any idea what to order. Do they have a White Mocha Americano? A Caramel Macchiato? A Cappuccino with an extra shot of espresso? A Caramel Latte? He has no idea and he hasn’t bothered before, the image of the menu flashing before his eyes and the fear from back then creeping up under his skin as a reminder. He doesn’t want a repeat. “ _ What do you usually get, Uncle? _ ”

“ _ I get a Large Double Double usually. _ ” he answered, turning to a street and the sign Tim Horton’s just in front of them. Jinyoung’s blood runs cold. And as if sensing his predicament, his Uncle then asked, “ _ Do you want something a little sweet or bitter? _ ”

Jinyoung almost breathes a sigh of relief, “ _ Um, something sweet, please. _ ”

“ _ Then maybe try the Large 4x4. It has 4 creams and 4 sugars. Or do you want to add more or remove some of the sugar? _ ” He asked, turning left to enter the drive thru lane, 3 cars in front of them. “ _ They can fix it the way you like so no problem. _ ”

Jinyoung’s head was swimming with these jargons he has no idea of the meaning. Double Double? 4x4? Where did the classic Americano or Macchiato go? “ _ Can I get it 3 sugars and 4 creams, instead? _ ” if he didn’t like it, at least he has a basis of what he wants for next time (in the very  _ very  _ far future because he has no plans of visiting of anytime soon).

“ _ Sure _ .”

Then before he knows it, they were the one being served.

“Good morning! Welcome to Tim Horton’s. What can I get you for today?” The voice from the box asked.

“Can I get a Large Green Tea with no cream and just one honey, one Large Double Double and one Large 4 cream and 2 sugar.” he spoke in a fluent English that made Jinyoung wonder how long he had been staying here. The Korean accent doesn’t usually disappear with just a few years after all, the letters still jumbling inside their mouth.

“Anything else, sir? How about donuts?”

“Oh! A dozen donuts, too. Four each of Maple Dip, Honey Cruller and Boston Cream. Thanks.”

Jinyoung blocks out the next conversation as his Uncle was instructed to move forward. He still doesn’t understand anything they were really talking about, foreign words sounding even more differnt in his ears. But soon they were by the window, his Uncle paid through his credit card even though his Mom complained and tried to pay for it herself.

The red cup was definitely different, almost like a complete stranger at him. It smelled amazing, better now that they were in a confined space and not inside the store where the smell from the other food mingled with each other. He still doesn’t know what it is, so he opens the flap like he watched his Uncle and Mom do.

“ _ How is it? _ ” his Mom asked, a pleasant smile on her face.

He takes a sip, slow and nervous. A cup of coffee is nothing special to most people, a means to stay awake, but to Jinyoung it was everything. It was his home, the one thing in the whole world that could calm him down.

It was good. Not amazing, not fantastic, but good. Definitely better than the ones they have at home.

“ _ Not bad, _ ” Jinyoung finally said and both his Uncle and his Mom smiled widely as he takes another sip.

“ _ Here, you can try all these. If you like sweet things, I’m sure you’ll love these. _ ” His Uncle gestured to the box his Mom has on her lap.

She opens the box and with a tissue, hands Jinyoung one donut with a brown glaze on top. “ _ Maple Dip. I’m sure you haven’t tasted anything like this before. _ ” she takes a bite of her own.

Jinyoung takes one more sip from his cup before putting it in the cup holder of the car. He looks at the donut, smelling sweet and actually enticing. He takes a bite. And  _ oh _ . It was  _ great _ . Jinyoung has a terrible sweet tooth his parents had been trying to fight off of him, but hasn’t won yet. It was sweet,  _ too  _ sweet for most people probably but it was the best kind of sweet for him.

“ _ Wow _ ,” was the only thing he said.

They laugh and eat all the way to IKEA, discussing the coffee and the food. Jinyoung finds it weird that he was at ease, not sure if it was the coffee or his Uncle’s good mood. But he joins in the conversation some times, adding a thing here or there. Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing, really.

 

They get a bed. Jinyoung is sure Jimin would love hers and he’s proud of his own choice as well. They push the trolley on the huge place, looking for the correct aisle so they could pick up the boxes. When they found the right ones, he and his Uncle carry it on the trolley.

“ _ Sadly I have work after this or I could help build the beds, _ ” his Uncle looked at the boxes they have, “ _ It would probably take hours. _ ”

Jinyoung smiles at this, not bothering to speak out. He likes doing these things, things that would require him to concentrate on one thing and one thing  _ only _ . It makes sure his mind doesn’t wander to anywhere else or to anything else. It would definitely take up a lot of time, especially with two beds to build, but he’s willing to give it his time and sleep just to finish it.

His Mom picks up a few more things and then they were on the cashier, paying for it. The loading on the car took far longer, having to pick it up again and push it inside the pick-up truck. It was a team effort between him and his Uncle that by the time they were finished, he was sweating a little.

“ _ Thanks, son. _ ” His Mom patten his shoulder, “ _ Do you want ice cream? I think I saw a place inside. _ ”

Jinyoung had seen it, the line was long. He wants ice cream, but he would rather keep his good mood and not ruin it with being himself again.

“ _ Nah, I want to go home and do this. I’m sure Jimin is excited. _ ” Jinyoung answered.

The drive back home was faster, probably because they didn’t stop by to get coffee even though Jinyoung was in dire need of his third cup for the day.

They unload the boxes with the help of his Dad this time, the process taking faster than when it was just two of them. When they were done, his Uncle bid them a good luck and a good bye before he drove off to go home and shower before he go to work.

 

Jinyoung and his Dad worked on the beds while his Mom and Jimin cooked back in the kitchen.

It was tiring. It was heavy. It was confusing.

The wood was painful on his hand, splinter here and there.

Six hours, one dinner and two beds later, they were done.

Jimin was excited, happily clappin as she jumps to her bed and announces it was the best kind she could ever ask for. She immediately arranges her pillows and blanket and stuffed toy she owned. She worked on her side of the room quietly, surprisingly intent on the decoration.

Jinyoung worked on his own one, the bed a deep shade of brown unlike Jimin’s who has a cream color. He arranges his own pilow and blanket, seriously making sure nothing was out of place even though he knows it will get crumpled when he sleeps on it a few minutes after. He doesn’t have stuffed toys like Jimin, but he has pictures of him and Wonpil that he puts up on the wall beside his bed.

“ _ You miss Wonpil oppa? _ ” Jimin snapped him out of his gaze, now sitting on her made bed and just looking at him. “ _ You’ve been staring on that photo for five minutes now with a look on your face. You miss him. _ ”

Wonpil wasn’t just Jinyoung’s best friend. He was his everything from a friend to a companion to a brother and his other half. They grew up together. They’ve been there for each other through  _ everything _ . Wonpil knows all his secrets, secrets his parents or Jimin doesn’t even have any clue about.

Now that he wasn’t here to pull Jinyoung when he had fallen down, to push him towards places and introduce him to people who would  _ understand  _ him, it feels like he was alone.

Family is important, but there was just some things he couldn’t tell them.

He hasn’t told him how he knew he was gay. That one guy when they were in High School who sat two places in front of Jinyoung, who was nice to him and made sure that everyone else in class was. He was his first crush, his first love.

Jinyoung had broken down in front of Wonpil when he realized, knowing his best friend would understand. Jinyoung worries about other people’s thoughts of him, constantly going through conversations over and over but never, he had  _ never  _ doubted Wonpil for one second. His best friend took him in his arms, hugging him tightly and whispering assurances in his ear. He had cried throughout the night, eyes red and hollow when he woke up the next day.

“ _ I’m gay _ ,” Jinyoung had told Wonpil when everything was over and he was breathing properly again.

“ _ I don’t care. _ ” Wonpil answered back.

And that was that.

So to say Jinyoung misses Wonpil was an understatement, too small of a word to even describe how he feels. He feels broken, like a piece of him was lost and all the way across the world. He feels much more deeply than missing him, much more intense and much more complicated. Jinyoung loved Wonpil in a way that he wouldn’t be able to love anybody else. An intense kind of love that was nurtured with trust and respect. Not a romantic kind of love, it doesn’t need to be.

But for today, just for this moment when Jinyoung can’t find a word to properly describe his feelings, “ _ I miss him. _ ” was all he could say.

“ _ I’m sure he misses you too, oppa. _ ” Jimin assured him.

Jinyoung smiles and continued to fix his side of the bed.

He doesn’t tell Jimin the 6 missed calls in Line and the 105 messages he hasn’t opened from Wonpil. He doesn’t tell Jimin that he hasn’t messaged Wonpil for the past week, not one message for him. He doesn’t tell her because it doesn’t matter. Not one bit.


	4. Do you remember that day?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note to self: not to make editing harder when you write

**wonpil.kim:** nyoung!!!! i got an A on that paper you helped me with!!!!! thank you  <3 what am i going to do now tha you’re not here :c

**wonpil.kim:** so i saved up enough money to finally buy that keyboard SO u don’t have to worry abt me skipping classes, altho i sometimes still do it i mean, class is boring y’know? especially now that you’re not here

**wonpil.kim:** (sent an image) LOOK!!!!! isn’t she so pretty? i’ll record a song and send it to you what song do you want me to play? do you want me to play for you? i can practice it

**wonpil.kim:** if you don’t tell me what you want me to play i swear i’m playin for you and it’ll be CHEESY so please choose another one

**wonpil.kim:** nvm i chose another one it’s kim bumsoo’s i miss you AND IT IS TRUE i miss you

**wonpil.kim:** hI

**wonpil.kim:** NYOUNG

**wonpil.kim:** HIIIIIII are u there

**wonpil.kim:** am dunk

**wonpil.kim:** hehe

**wonpil.kim:** sungjun and thr othrs celbrated dowoon’s birthday and WE GOT DRUNK

**wonpil.kim:** talk to u tom

**wonpil.kim:** oops i sent you messages last night, i was hella drunk. funnily we all drank exept for the birthday boy so he could send us by taxi

**wonpil.kim:** sungjin says he wishes he saw you before you left, he probably still feels guilty about having work the week you were leaving :c are u mad at him?

**wonpil.kim:** HELLO NYOUNG why aren’t you replyinggggg i hope it’s because you’re having way too much fun there eating maple things and drinking coffee 24/7 and not because you’re wallowing by yourself

**wonpil.kim:** you know i’m here right, even if we’re time differences apart i’m always here and i hope you always remember that OR ELSE i’ll sell my keyboard to buy tickets to see you AND THEN you’ll have to pay for it back bec i really like my keyboard

**wonpil.kim:** i keep calling and you’re not answering srsly why are you not there and i KNOW you’re online don’t lie to me

**wonpil.kim:** i’ll call again in a few hours okay, so make sure you answer that one

**wonpil.kim:** i’m hoping you’re really not answering because you’re busy there and not because you’re ignoring me

**wonpil.kim:** did i do anything wrong? because i’m trying to rack up my memory trying to remember if i said anything

**wonpil.kim:** and even if i had said anything you’ve never done this before

**wonpil.kim:** jinyoung-ah, please answer me please

**wonpil.kim:** you’re no alone jinyoung-ah, you have me always and fuck that you know i’m not leaving you asshole after all we’ve been through

**wonpil.kim:** so please answer me, i’m going to call again

**wonpil.kim:** i miss you

**wonpil.kim:** i messed up badly today, i forgot to write my paper and my prof asked me for it i am so fucked up when you’re not here

**wonpil.kim:** (sent an image) our table in starbucks misses you

**wonpil.kim:** (sent an image) junhyeok misses you too he almost made a white mocha americano when i just ordered a cappuccino, he said he wishes he could send you drinks over there

**wonpil.kim:** i told him you said the coffee there doesn’t taste as good

**wonpil.kim:** i miss you

**wonpil.kim:** when are you going to reply to me? it’s been four days, nyoung

**wonpil.kim:** i know you know that i know why you’re doing this and this is stupid i’m sorry but this is stupid you can’t just ignore me like this

**wonpil.kim:** i’m going to call you again later

**wonpil.kim:** aaaaaaaaand you didn’t reply, okay that wasn’t a surprise but tell me you’re still alive at least

**wonpil.kim:** auntie or uncle hasn’t uploaded anything on fb so i can’t check if you’re alive but jimin has and i’m sure you don’t want me to message her

**wonpil.kim:** but i swear if this thing you’re pulling lasts for a week believe me i WILL message her because believe it or not, you’re very very important to me

**wonpil.kim:** we’re miles apart and time zones apart so i am pissed off that i can’t talk to you face to face

**wonpil.kim:** because i miss you 

**wonpil.kim:** and you know i love you

**wonpil.kim:** even if you’re a meanie who ignores your best friend

**wonpil.kim:** i miss you

**wonpil.kim:** it’s been five days WHEN are u going to talk to me

**wonpil.kim:** fuck this shit i wish i could’ve gone with you even if it’s in a box

**wonpil.kim:** i can’t even leave you alone

**wonpil.kim:** please tell me you’re at least drinkign your meds

**wonpil.kim:** don’t forget to drink them okay? And get a prescription from a doctor there

**wonpil.kim:** i am going to get drunk in a few hours

**wonpil.kim:** later with sungjin and jae i’ll get drunk

**wonpil.kim:** because if your own best friend is ignoring you, it kind of makes you stupid and sad as hell

**wonpil.kim:** do you hear that, nyoung? stupid and sad as HELL

**wonpil.kim:** because i miss you

**wonpil.kim:** idk how many times i’ve said that but i do

**wonpil.kim:** whatever happened with you, anything, you don’t have to just ignore me bevause you can talk to me always

**wonpil.kim:** anyway i have to go, classes and all that

**wonpil.kim:** i’m hoping you have a reply when i come back

**wonpil.kim:** in class ;; this subject is boring and i want to go get drunk rn i wonder if i can sneak away

**wonpil.kim:** or not, she gave us a surprise quiz and i actually did get surprised but i managed to get a 78 on it!!!

**wonpil.kim:** omw to get drunk now tty in a few hours

**wonpil.kim:** nyoung

**wonpil.kim:** jinyoungA

**wonpil.kim:** HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII i see u havnt messagrd me bck huh

**wonpil.kim:** this is fuckin deprssing u knoe bec ur bff is all thr way across the world and he is not messagng you

**wonpil.kim:** and u hav no idea wat u did

**wonpil.kim:** did i do anything nyoung????

**wonpil.kim:** did i >.?>>>>>>>>>>>>

**wonpil.kim:** bec if i dd pls tell me and i promis to b bettr for u

**wonpil.kim:** i love u

**wonpil.kim:** and i miss u and i miss us watchng those sappy disney movies we watched and i luv them and

**wonpil.kim:** junhyeok was there today he says he misses his fave custmer

**wonpil.kim:** did u get a bettr barista there

**wonpil.kim:** anyone cute huh

**wonpil.kim:** did you rePLACE ME

**wonpil.kim:** did u replace me

**wonpil.kim:** nyway nite nyoung i gotta sleep now

**wonpil.kim:** goodnight ;~;

**wonpil.kim:** fuck that was such a hangover i don’t ever want to have ever again i think we drunk until 2am we’re lucky the bar didn’t kick us out

**wonpil.kim:** junhyeok did ask if you’ve found a better barista there bec he worries you’re not getting your correct cup of coffee everyday

**wonpil.kim:** i say he worries too much

**wonpil.kim:** but i drunk self did bring up a valid point and i don’t want to say it again because it’s embarrassing yet i want to know

**wonpil.kim:** because nyoung

**wonpil.kim:** are you

**wonpil.kim:** fuck this is hard to say i feel so embarrassed

**wonpil.kim:** we’ve been friends since forever and i know you trusts me the most more than you trust anyone else and vice versa

**wonpil.kim:** but if you’ve found someone else, if you’ve replaced me with someone else

**wonpil.kim:** whether if you’ve found a more interesting friend

**wonpil.kim:** or a boyfriend

**wonpil.kim:** or worse, a much better at the best friend thing than i am

**wonpil.kim:** you’ll tell me, right? bec i was serious when i said i want us to still be friends no matter where we are

**wonpil.kim:** so park jinyoung

**wonpil.kim:** my beloved best friend

**wonpil.kim:** did you replace me?

**wonpil.kim:** fuck i feel so stupid i’m going to go get some more sleep and some pain killers, my hangover is killing me

**wonpil.kim:** i miss you, nyoung

**wonpil.kim:** and i love you still, even if you’ve been basically ignoring me

**wonpil.kim:** because i don’t know what i would do if you’re not in my life

**wonpil.kim:** which, i understand, is cheesy and sappy but also the truth

**wonpil.kim:** i’ll message you again later

**wonpil.kim:** okay hangover gone but it’s 6pm and i wasted the day sleeping in lucky i don’t have any class today

**wonpil.kim:** i did get some food today, went in starbucks and they have your favorite honey glaze i bought one and ate it

**wonpil.kim:** (sent an image) i also ordered your usual, junhyeok warned me it’ll be too strong like how do you even drink this thing i don’t think i’ll be able to sleep for a week

**wonpil.kim:** it tastes good though maybe i should try it next time when i need to work on a paper insead of getting cappuccino

**wonpil.kim:** i miss you so much i’m getting your order

**wonpil.kim:** whenever you’re ready to talk to me again whether it’s in an hour, in a week, in a month or in a year i’ll be here

**wonpil.kim:** but i’m hoping it’ll be sooner rather than later

**wonpil.kim:** okay i’m going to go get high on coffee!

 

**jinyoungie:** i miss you too

 

They go back to usual then, messaging back and forth about their day. There was no awkwardness or a big fuss, Wonpil just went back to normal and never questioned what had happened to Jinyoung.

So Jinyoung never explained, although he knows that one day when it’s dark and he feels  _ so  _ confined and alone, he would be telling Wonpil the truth anyway. That he feels like a huge disappointment with no sign of getting better or any sign of getting anywhere at all. But not today, not now. Right now he can pretend.

 

Things get better after that.

Jimin wasn’t going to start school, not for another two months. Jinyoung has been urged to look through the courses he wants to take whether it’ll be for College or University. He has been looking through websites, checking each and every courses offered and the pros and cons of taking it.

His parents still work, coming home tired and worn out that all they could do is greet them two before cleaning up and collapsing to bed. The two of them try their hardest to help with the house from cleaning and doing the laundry and just keeping it clean and livable. They all still go do the grocery every Friday, intentional so that the grocery stores aren’t as crowded.

Jinyoung finally finds one.

It took weeks and days and hours of reading through course outlines before he finally decided on one. Somewhere he could work peacefully when he graduates, the contact with random people to a limited. When he tells his parents, they were ecstatic and immediately told him to contact the school so he could come talk to them about it.

“ _ Hopefully one of us can come with you. _ ” his Dad looks through the calendar they have on the fridge, work schedule written on it with Jinyoung’s neat handwriting. “ _ If not, I can get someone to come with you? _ ”

Truth be told, Jinyoung was hoping someone would come with him because there really isn’t anything more scarier than making such a huge life decision on his own. But they were busy, his parents not allowed to take a day off and coming with someone else will be  _ worse  _ than just being alone. So he shakes his head a no before reminding them he could do this alone.

Jimin was dropped off to his aunt’s place, Jason also on summer break so they could play together all day. Jinyoung was left at home preparing for his appointment with the College, his hands sweaty and he was shivering a little even though the weather was warm. He was 30 mins too early for the bus so he hasn’t left the house yet. And when it gets quiet, when there was nothing or no one available to distract him, the thoughts come barging in.

_ Was this a good idea? Would he be able to go and finish through the course? Will he be able to pass all his subjects? How would he pay back the tuition fee when he has no work? Would he be able to get a job in this field? Will anyone ever accept a fully damaged human like him? What if this was the wrong decision and he was making the-- _

Jinyoung stands up abruptly to halt the thoughts before it forsters to something much worse. But it did its job, he was anxious as hell. There was a feeling in the pit of his stomach where it has halfway between bubbling and painful. He can’t explain it, but it’s making his knees weak and his voice break. His vision wasn’t as blurry, but it wasn’t as clear as it should be.

The public transit was a challenge, the bus filled with more people than Jinyoung would’ve been able to deal with in a usual circumstance. But he blocks them out, his ears buzzing and his thoughts in a disarray. He focuses on his phone, messaging Wonpil even though the other man was asleep all the way across the world in a tiny home in Seoul, South Korea.

When Jinyoung arrived in the College, asking the receptionist for his appointment, he’s basically just a bundle of walking nerves. He was asked to sit on one of the chairs and his hand was sweating when he turned on his phone to browse (even though his mind wasn’t focusing enough). By the time the lady he would be seeing came down, Jinyoung feels faint but he smiles and greets her all the same.

The moment the door closed, Jinyoung doesn’t remember anything.

 

Feeling excited and happy wasn’t something Jinyoung was very familiar with. They had agreed on the course he would be taking, the start date already marked in his calendar. Tuition and all the smaller details were for another day.

But Jinyoung feels  _ so  _ good, so proud of himself. He was buzzing with excitement as he texted his parents and Wonpil. He wouldn’t be able to message Jimin, not particularly interested in having to talk to his aunt or uncle or whoever is home with them. He just feels like he’s floating, like for the first time since coming here he had  _ done  _ something.

Jinyoung feels like he deserves an award and that wasn’t something he would usually do. So he squares his chest and swallows his fear as he walked towards the nearest coffee place--Tim Horton’s.

The smell inside was the same as the one in the drive thru, freshly brewed coffee in the air and the pastries’ sweetness just as enticing. The line wasn’t as long, just three people ahead of him and that was probably because this was just after lunch and before the time people come out of work. He feels better knowing that there won’t be that many people who will witness him in case he messes this up.

The coffee he had the last time was a 4x4 and although that was a nice cup, it wasn’t the best one he wanted. He likes sweet, but it was too sweet he couldn’t taste the coffee and properly appreciate it. He’s in the midst of wondering whether he wants to take off a cream or a sugar on his order when he heard it.

“Hi! Can I help you here?” the voice was pleasant.

Jinyoung doesn’t look up but he moves toward the counter.

“What can I get you for today?” the voice asked again.

Jinyoung looks up to take a look at the menu again when he saw the man. He doesn’t know him but he  _ remembers  _ him. He was the cashier last time as well when he had ran away, looking pathetic and he knows the man recognized him too because his eyes widened.

Just like that, Jinyoung’s shoulders slumped and the happiness in his whole body replaced by cold dread and anxiety. He takes a step back, turns around and then  _ ran _ .

“Sir! Wait, sir!” the voice sounded faraway but Jinyoung doesn’t care.

He ran, opening the doors and almost slamming on the first one. He bumps to some people, murmuring an apology as he continues his efforts. He doesn’t know where he’s going but he just needs to get away. Far, far away as he can.

Then he stops, an empty bench with not a lot of people in sight.

He was gasping for air and he almost fell down as he sits because his knees gave away. His mind was a wreck, everything a mess as questions after questions and worry after worry wormed their way into his brain and eating him up.

He gasps, a sharp breathe and--

A warm hand on his shoulder.

“Repeat after me.” The hand was a voice. “Sir? Repeat after me.”

Jinyoung doesn’t answer, doesn’t look up and he’s tense.

“Sir? Look at me.”

Jinyoung doesn’t, but he didn’t need to because soon there was someone crouching in front of him and a face pearing up at him.

“Repeat after me.” The voice said, smiling as his lips curls up in tiny encouraging one. “Four.”

Jinyoung opens his mouth, “ _ Four _ .”

The man looked taken a back, but soon found his bearings. “ _ Nine _ .”

“ _ Nine. _ ” Jinyoung’s breathing was slowing down, just a little.

“ _ One. _ ”

“ _ One _ .”

“ _ Twenty _ .”

Jinyoung stops. “ _ Twenty already? _ ” then he looks at the hand still on him, “ _ Why did you follow me? What do you need? _ ”

The man just smiles, “ _ Feeling better, sir? _ ”

His knees were still weak, his hands still cold and his breathing still raged as his heart thundered in his ribcage. There was still a buzzing in his ears  and he still can’t think  _ straight  _ but. “ _ I’ll be fine. _ ” he just said because it’s not like it will matter to this stranger, the cashier from the place he just ran away from for the second time making him--

“ _ Fifteen! Seventy eight! Twen four! Sixteen! _ ” The man barked, surprising Jinyoung.

It took him a full second to realize what the man had done. Again.

“ _ You… _ ” Jinyoung doesn’t know how to say it.

“ _ My friend has these too. _ ” The man answered as a way of explanation, “ _ So don’t worry about it. I’m not judging and I never will. So you can relax with me. _ ”

Jinyoung doesn’t know how true that should be, but he nods his head.

The man was still crouching in front of him, hand still on his arm. But they just stayed there, silent and unmoving as Jinyoung gathered his bearings and tried to make something out of this conversation he was having.

The silence was broken when the man stood up and asked, “ _ What coffee would you like? _ ”

So Jinyoung answers truthfully, “ _ I don’t know. _ ” Then, “ _ Wait. _ ”

The man was still smiling, “ _ Yes? _ ”

“ _ You… you’re speaking… not in English. _ ” Jinyoung’s eyebrows furrowed, “ _ Because I can understand you perfectly now. _ ”

He shrugs, “ _ You spoke to me in Korean earlier, when we were counting. _ ” and then, “ _ My name is JB but my Korean name is Im Jaebum. Please call me Jaebum. _ ”

“ _ J-Jinyoung… Park Jinyoung _ .”

 

They go back to the restaurant, Jaebum walking silently beside him with a pleasant smile on his face. They don’t talk and they haven’t agreed on what exactly to do, but Jinyoung follows him anyway and Jaebum looks like that was what he was intending to happen either.

The restaurant didn’t have any customers on the line but there were a number of people seated on the tables. The store front was busy, everyone moving in tandem as they handled the machines. There was one person who was just standing, eyes narrowd at Jaebum’s form.

“Where did you go?!” The man asked, Mark it said on his name tag.

“I’m sorry, I went to follow him.” Jaebum glanced at Jinyoung, causing Mark to do the same.

Jinyoung freezes, wanting to run away. It was his normal reaction.

“I’m glad you helped him and all, but don’t you ever abandon your post okay? Management will get mad if you disappear when it’s not your break.” Mark’s voice was sharp and Jinyoung understand most of what he said, the tone helping him to understand as well.

So he finally spoke because Jaebum really doesn’t deserve this scolding whe he was just helping him. “I… I’m sorry for what happened. It’s all my fault.” he all but whispers, voice only a little bit louder for people to have understood.

Mark looked surprised, but also guilty. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it for you, just company policy okay? Are you feeling any better?” he asked and Jinyoung realized he looked safe, the kind of person who is always sincere about his feelings.

Jinyoung doesn’t know how to answer and Jaebum noticed.

“Mark… Youngjae.” Jaebum said as a way of explanation that Jinyoung didn’t understand, but Mark certainly did.

“Oh!” Mark looked at the back, to someone. “How about you take him to a table and take your break, Jaebum. Bring him water, coffee and any food he wants. On me.” Then he looked back again, “Because I need to go.”

“Roger that.” Jaebum smiled and watched Mark go before turning to Jinyoung, “ _ Where do you want to sit? _ ”

Jinyoung blinked. “ _ Thank you for everything you’ve done, but I should probably go. Thank you so much. _ ” he bowed instinctively, forgetting they were far away from home. But then he feels a hand on his shoulder and he looked up, “ _ Yes? _ ”

“ _ You came here so you could get something to drink or eat, right? So I’ll come get you what you want and then I’ll punch in my break then let’s eat together. _ ” Jaebum said, smiling. “ _ Now, what would you like? _ ”

Jinyoung forgot what he went here for, but now he remembers. Celebration. School. Coffee. Then he looks at Jaebum, feeling confused because he didn’t have the urge to run or hide as he took in the smile directed at him. “ _ I… want coffee. Something sweet, but not too sweet. I, uh, I used to take White Mocha Americano in Starbucks _ .” he finds himself saying. “ _ Is there anything close to that here? _ ”

Jaebum looked like he was thinking before he nods, “ _ Tell you what, I’ll go make you your drink. Anything else? _ ”

Jinyoung peaked at the display and sees the Maple Dip he got last time. “ _ Any donut. _ ”

He didn’t see Jaebum glance at where he was looking.

“ _ Coming right up. Take your seat, Jinyoung. _ ” And then he turns himself back.

Jinyoung busies himself with his phone, refreshing his mailbox a couple of times and staring at the last message he sent Wonpil who was most definitely still asleep. He wishes he could call him right now and ask what to do because honestly Jinyoung doesn’t have a clue on how he should act.

He was spared with building up his anxiety with the return of Jaebum, a cup of coffee on his left hand and a plate of Maple Dip on the other. He was grinning, obviously proud of himself as he laid out the  food in front of Jinyoung. He took a seat right across him.

“ _ Do you like coffee, Jinyoung? _ ” he asked.

Jinyoung looks at him.

“ _ You looked a little excited at the cup of coffee. It’s the first expression on you that was positive all day. _ ” Jaebum answered then gestured to the coffee, “ _ Now, go on and taste it. I want to know if you like it or not. _ ”

If it was any other day, Jinyoung would have started to feel a sense of awkwardness and resent Jaebum for the remark but he has a cup of coffee in front of him. The coffee he had when they bought the bed was nice, better than the ones he’s had so far here in Canada so he was curious on how this one would be.

The cup in front of him was on the light side which means Jaebum had understood he liked a lot of creamers on his. So he the handle and slowly took a sip, wanting to savour his first taste.

Oh.

_ Oh _ .

His eyes widened before he took another sip.

Then another.

And another before he finally looks up at Jaebum who has a pleased smile on his lips.

“ _ What did you put in here? _ ” Jinyoung asked, taking another sip and not minding the burn the hot water caused his lips. “ _ This is even better than the last one I drank from here. _ ”

Jaebum looked thoughtful for a second, “ _ I don’t want to tell you, _ ” at Jinyoung’s offended look he added, “ _ Because I want you to come back here next time and ask me for this cup of coffee. _ ”

Smacking his lips, Jinyoung tried to think. There was definitely four creamers and less sugar, but was it two or three? He wants to say something, contradict Jaebum and all. But he feels like… the feeling was familiar, he just couldn’t pin point what it is.

“ _ Do we have a deal, Park Jinyoung? _ ” Jaebum tilted his head.

_ Home _ . It tasted like  _ home _ , the warmness Jinyoung gets whenever he gets a cup from Junhyeok and he drinks the coffee. It was more overwhelming than that, like this was a perfect match for him and brewed  _ for  _ him.

“ _ Deal. _ ” Jinyoung mumbled before he took another sip.

So Jaebum grins then proceeded to talk to him for the next 20 minutes of his break, asking questions about Jinyoung and telling stories about himself. Jinyoung doesn’t know what else to do besides accepting and taking in everything he could from the man in front of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry it took so long (MONTHS), but the editing made me lazy ;;


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